Yesterday, I received a one month chat ban from PokerStars. It got me to thinking about how incredibly important the chat box is to being a successful poker player. I mean, if you aren't using the chat box to your advantage, what are you really doing with your time? Pretty much any regular on Pokerstars could tell you that I am an avid chatter. Below, I'll outline some important aspects and details of what it takes to become a great chatter.
Berating Regulars
I've put this tactic first because I believe it is the most important aspect of chat dominance. It's important to let regulars know constantly that they are complete and total shit, especially when they have just won a hand off of you. If they win by sucking out, you should start your chat with a nice LOL, then head directly into a rampage of insults. It is important to keep the insults fresh and not use the same insults too often. I would also personally recommend staying away from common stuff like asshole and instead go with two or three part insults such as anal wart seed or cum chugging champion. Threatening the well being of said regulars is also acceptable, but should be kept to one threat per month per player. My favorite personal chat ban so far came as the result of threatening to "burn you all at the stake like a bunch of cracked out gypsies". Whatever you choose, it is essential to let your opponents know that they may have won the hand, but in your eyes they are still worthless trash, and you are at least one hundred times better than them at everything.
Leveling/Confusing/Attention Stealing
These tactics are also very important to your overall success as an online poker player. Many players, just like in a live situation, will only chat when they feel comfortable with their hand. In doing so, they are giving away a huge tell, and reducing their potential for profits. I think that it is important to chat non-stop so that your opponents can not pick anything up.
It is also important to balance what you are chatting about. Don't always be talking about the hand or even to the player who is in the hand with you. Sometimes, before a river bet against player A, I will casually ask Player B if he had a nice night out with his husband last night. This will serve multiple purposes. It has a high potential to tilt Player B who is probably thinking to himself, "WTF, I'm not gay!" but is now starting to question his own sexuality and think about the time he saw the outline of his best friends junk and kinda liked it. Not that there's anything wrong with that. This will no doubt throw off his game. Player A will also be wondering why you don't care about the hand you are in, and will be confused in his decision making.
When you do decide to chat specifically about the hand, make it personal. A good example is right before you shove saying, "Your mom likes when I shove into her". Anything works, but the goal is to keep your opponent from focusing 100% on his decision. Always remember the importance of balance in your chat. Typing "You bout to get bluffed clown" before smashing the pot button can be good, but make sure that you are sometimes actually bluffing. And be sure to show.
HU4Rollz
Whenever a player makes fun of a play you make or tries to use some of the above tactics on you, it is essential to challenge him to a HU4Rollz. This is a win, win situation assuming you don't suck. If the player accepts, you get to play a clown Heads up and make him cry when you take all his money and send him to the streets to beg for change. In the far more likely scenario that he refuses, makes some lame excuse, says he will play after his period ends, etc, you have showed him that he is beneath you and that you cannot be outchatted led alone outplayed. You know all the tactics, and you know when to use them. You have kept your alpha male status by showing that you aren't scared of a damn thing while you are sitting at your monitor clicking buttons. Inside, you know that if said victim ever did play you, you would send him back to his village to eat out of the family trough and clean the town pigs for spare change. Unfortunately, despite being an impish button mashing moron, he will probably be just smart enough not to engage you, but at least you showed him that you are the chat box boss.
Outright Fun
This is the only section where I think it is fair game to get the recreational players involved. You would never want to make fun of their playing style, as they are just there to have a good time, and as long as you arent Maxxmeister or one of the other idiots that can't even win with their massive bumhunting techniques, they are probably helping you pay your bills. Still, sometimes its fun to engage them in some harmless chat, and some will actually enjoy it. I particularly like to see where they are from and make some obviously extremely stereotypical comment about their country to stir up some fun. You can also make fun of their avatars if they have a picture of their child, wife, dog or anything that could be personal. Not only is it somewhat entertaining to have nonsense conversation about nothing; it will also help to distract the recreational player, and they might make a mistake that benefits you.
Sometimes, its just fun to see what people will get involved in chat wise. Occasionally, when games are really slow and I'm having a tough time getting a bunch of tables up I will just start heaving off the wall comments out there and see what sticks. I once had a 20 minute chat about how my pet zebra had just been stolen from my manor. I don't know if the other guy really believed my elaborate story, or was just in the mood for some bullshit, but it happened.
It really pains me that PokerStars has banned my chat. Without these chat tactics, I am probably just your average ABC Nit grinder, and I'm sure my winrate will suffer for the remaining 29 days of the ban. I just can't wait to get back to chatting. GL in the chat boxes.
Pat
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